Smile Every Day

Retired People

lmrod725 — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 17:49:23 +0000

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on man how about giving a
Senior citizen a break?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Dumb #\/$. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires .

So Mary called him a %*@/head. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the
more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.
It’s important at our age.

Jokes That Can Be Told In Church

lmrod725 — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 16:58:25 +0000

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life.’
The child thought about this for a moment then said ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, ‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you u had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup….’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little Johnny responded ‘I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’

The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.’

Texas Tale

lmrod725 — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:18:01 +0000

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country.

He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read “$10,000 a minute.”

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven — and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Denver, Minneapolis, Kansas City, St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee , Tulsa, and other cities in the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas upon entering a church in San Antonio , Texas he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read “Calls: 35 cents.”

Totally fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God.

But in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?”

The pastor, smiling benignly replied, “Well son, you’re in Texas now . . . . . . It’s a local call.”

Mature Lady Driver

lmrod725 — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 19:44:08 +0000

For those of you who are not yet 50, keep this in mind. And for those of you over 50 keep note of this next time you get pulled over.

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding . . .

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.

I Got a Job at Wal-mart

lmrod725 — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 03:44:54 +0000

An email from a recent retiree’s attempt to supplement his income.

Read all about my first day at Wal-Mart.

It appears that I didn’t work out too well, and will have to start looking
for another job.

My 1st day of employment…

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day……

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean
acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at
them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome
to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t
twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you
think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Critical Swine Flu Prevention Tip (Humor)

lmrod725 — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 03:29:53 +0000

Flu season is upon us again and I wanted to pass on a tip to help prevent swine flu.

So don’t let this happen:

www.LMRod725.com

Why? Why? Why?

lmrod725 — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 19:46:04 +0000

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them. But if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner; then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Remember:

A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is like… night.

brought to you by www.LMRod725.com

Male Advice Column

lmrod725 — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 02:51:10 +0000

A friend of mine sent me this. Don’t know if it’s from a real newspaper, but who knows maybe it should be.

www.lmrod725.com

Living in the 21st Century

lmrod725 — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 01:19:16 +0000

You know you are living in the 21st century when…

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries..

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and Get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Hope you enjoyed this. Also visit http://lmrod725.com/

The Luck of the Irish

lmrod725 — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 03:05:17 +0000

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he prayed, ‘Lord – please take pity on me. If ye find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind Lord, I found one!’