Worse First Date Story Ever

If you didn’t see this on the Tonight show, I hope you’re sitting down when you read it.  This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
 
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.  The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!  She said it was midwinter…Snowing and quite cold… and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before.  The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.  They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!  Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.  Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.   All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.  As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car’s fender.  Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.  It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date’s concerns about ‘what was taking so long’ with a reply that indeed, she was ‘freezing her butt off’ and in need of some assistance!  He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.  She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.  Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!  Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.  So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down.  Or perhaps that should be pants down.

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.  Jay Leno’s comment…’This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.’

Oh and how did the first date turn out?

He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Retired People

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. 

Well for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop.  We were only in there for about 5 minutes.  When we came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. 

We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on man how about giving a 
Senior citizen a break?’  He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. 

I called him a Dumb #\/$.  He glared at me and started writing another 
ticket for having worn tires .

So Mary called him a %*@/head.  He finished the second ticket and 
put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing a third 
ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more we abused him, the 
more tickets he wrote. 

Just then our bus arrived. 

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. 
It’s important at our age.

Jokes That Can Be Told In Church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life.’
The child thought about this for a moment then said ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.  As she ran she prayed, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!  Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.  She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!  As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!’
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.  The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing.  My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat.  My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’
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An elderly woman died last month.  Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.  In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, ‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you u had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup….’
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.  A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’  Without missing a beat one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little Johnny responded ‘I have a pain in my side.  I think I’m going to have a wife.’
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.  One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’

The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.  It’s probably just your Dad.’